February 16, 2015

I'm Not The One

To my future husband,

I may not look like a million bucks but I won't use you like an ATM machine.

I've grown up carrying my own bags, so I won't use you as an overhead compartment.

I've been watching movies and TV shows alone so if you find a genre unbearable, I won't force you to join me and cringe at all the things that make me laugh and cry.

I know I may not be the one guys chase or choose over another girl and I don't expect you to either.

As long as you know that I will make you feel like a billion dollars whenever you make me laugh.

I won't pull you to do things that are forbidden in Islam.

All you have to do is guide me on the right path. Wake up with me during Fajr. Make sure I go out of the house fully covered. And help me go to sleep with Allah in my heart and you on my mind and a smile on my face.

It doesn't take much to be someone I love.

Your Kind of Sappy but Kind of Cute Future Wife

June 14, 2012

I shouldn't feel bad about being a bad writer. I miss things. I'm oblivious about a lot of things. I mess things up royally but in the end, it shouldn't make me feel bad that I'm ruining a fictional character's life. It just wouldn't make sense that I've cried stupid tears over things that I actually have control over. Or not. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Like I truly believe my writing partners would benefit with a different partner and I should just give up. They say things that I feel I should get but I don't and it hurts my brain whenever I don't do things right and I feel like it's not worth it.

It doesn't make me feel good about myself whenever my writing partners have other writing partners who know them better than I do. It sort of makes me feel second best and that doesn't feel good. To know that you're second best to anything. Like you wouldn't amount to anything because there would always be someone else who was better than you.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why I keep caring for people who don't quite care about me the same way. Suppose it's punishment? Suppose it's retribution for not putting all my faith into Allah. Suppose I just don't deserve to be happy with people.

There's nothing suicidal about this post. It's just something I've always believed. I don't know why I don't change things when I'm fully aware of the cause. That's sheer stupidity isn't it? Full on ignorance and what...egoism? I don't know but it sure as hell hurts.

May 30, 2012

I am so sad. So very very sad.

You know your "Forever alone" status is cemented when your fictional characters' love lives affect you more than your own.

April 3, 2012

TLDR...or read...Be bored...whatever xp ^^ 8D xD and other misc. icons

*brushes off dust bunnies, blows off cobwebs*

You're still here. Despite my absence. I may be this but you've been faithfully lurking in the interwebs, waiting for me to fill you up.


Or probably plotting my demise with Cthulhu. I don't know...

Despite my previous posts, I've found myself back in school. Doing Syariah of all things. It was the last thing I thought I would do and it's proved beneficial to me, unsurprisingly. Although how I got to where I am right now had been tumultuous, I'm hoping things would get better as I go along. I honestly feel that even though I won't be able to go any further; here or elsewhere, I'd still have this basic to fall back on.

And of course, a blog post of mine would not be complete without a little love story. Or lack thereof really. Even a simple smile of his, even if it wasn't directed at me, fills me with...I dunno...light. It's this amazing calm I get whenever his name is mentioned, contrary to most of how I have felt before. I'm not saying this difference is anything to go by since he's not available but if I can be this calm and remember Allah just by being around him, I don't care if there isn't a future there.

Like I even have a future in that aspect.

I was selected to spearhead a graduating committee two weeks before my midterms; the reason behind it was apparently because my lecturer wanted the students in my batch [first cohorts, I'm repeatedly reminded] to have the experience of doing something.

My team was dedicated to be sure because I got sick for one week [more on that later] and work still went on. I had nothing to worry about. That is, of course, until I got back. But come Graduation Day, everything went super smoothly. Minor glitches, since it WAS our first time [working together and doing anything on this scale], but other than that, my lecturer and the people involved were pretty satisfied with the work. I couldn't take all the credit and I still feel bad about the one week absence where everything was done.

So about the sick. One whole week! The longest I've ever been sick. And all because of a mouth infection. Funny thing was that it didn't even START as a mouth infection. Or at least not that I was aware. I got a high fever and then got better and then got a high fever again for the whole week. It was only on the third day of my feverish week that I found out the only reason I was even sick in the first place was from the mouth infection. The doctor felt sorry for me. Though at least she said I wasn't the worst case she'd seen.

That made me feel MUCH better [seen here: sarcasm]

Hmm...what else of importance happened...

Well, I suppose I should say my relationship with THEM have not gotten any better. So much about them still pisses me off. Even my brother is getting sick of the bullshit they've been involved with. I swear to Allah, it's like they don't ever learn. Once I think it would be fine in our little world, it dies right then and there. Honestly, I have no idea what in the hell is going on. I'm pretty sure it will only get worst from here.

And there's this thing about me when I get to a new environment like school, or class, or work, I promise myself not to get involved in friendships and other unnecessary things like that. It helps me concentrate. This isn't even me joking either. It's been proven time and again. And for the first few weeks at this new school, that worked out pretty well. I was sure I could handle not having any friendships and other unnecessary things like that.

The others were pretty persistent to prove me wrong unfortunately and I found myself liking them more and more to a point that I lost a lot of my drive. Worst of all, I started getting Feelings. Sure, they're not necessarily bad...in doses. But it's come to a stage where because one of them has sort of alienated me [probably due to finding out how annoying I actually am], I'm feeling very down now. Like...really.

I'm not the type of person who needs constant attention, don't get me wrong. Most of the time, attention is the LAST thing I want from ANYONE. I'm good when people leave me alone. But that's the problem with having Feelings for people. Because for me, the moment I have these Feelings, the person I have Feelings for need to give me constant attention. I crave it constantly to the point of it being unhealthy. And it makes me mad because I'm [funnily enough] usually a well-adjusted person with HEALTHY obsessions!


I digress.

So in conclusion, I still probably haven't matured enough. I'm still thinking like a child despite my best efforts not to do so. Frustrating as it is, I've learnt to accept that fact because I am at least twice what some other girls my age are like. And for that alone, I am immensely grateful. Alhamdulillah.

Lawd, this post is LONG. Sowieeeeee ^^

March 9, 2011

The Dangers of Being Family

I don't know.

I just don't know what the f*** is happening.

It's like a Hindustani movie, without the pretty costumes and running around a tree and special effects.

How can two people be so damn toxic? *headdesks repeatedly* Tak pasal pasal can just shoot their mouths like that and expect people to act like nothing happened? And still expect to be waited on hand and foot? How is it possible that such people can breathe the same air as me?


Disappointment, hurt and anger don't quite match how I feel right now. I feel like pushing you down a flight of stairs and hope you LIVE through it.

November 22, 2010

With Only The Grace of Allah Can We Learn

In regards to this heinous comment left by a disbeliever, (http://media.causes.com/949555?m=2cd102e6) this is my reply.

Freedom of speech is no longer truth spoken out loud. To be fair, there may be some things in this world left to be spoken about; genocide, abortions, animal rights...those are valid points in lieu of freedom of speech. But when it comes to condemning a beautiful and amazingly pure religion such as Islam, freedom of speech is viewed rather in bias. When Christianity or Judaism or Buddhism or what of you are condemned, the common reply to that would be slander. It would be vicious condemnation or cruelty towards the religion and when it comes to plaguing Islam, it's freedom of speech?

I digress.

The beauty of this religion, as a Muslimah myself, I am thoroughly well protected. I am covered because Allah wishes not for just anyone to see my beauty. I am at home because Allah wishes for me to be able to take care of my children the best possible way. My husband or father is my caregiver and all I have to do is submit myself to the one and only Allah. Women are promised Jannah by being a dutiful daughter, a humble servant to Allah and a respectful wife. Our only challenge is childbirth.

As stated in the article linked, he mentioned women being stoned and 'raped and discarded when the husband feels like it'. Naudzubillahi min dzalik. Wallahi in all my life, none of the married women I personally knew have ever been subjected to such cruelties. All my sisters in law and my sister are well taken care of by their husbands and masya Allah they are well adjusted, their children perfectly fine.

Needless to say, if you have the absolute need to condemn a religion, the least you could do is get a good research done on it and not just rely on the information you get from one sided documentaries and movies or TV shows that clearly portray a ludicrous version of what Islam truly is.

Wallahu a'lam bissawab.

November 14, 2010

Apparently I should put in Toxic but I felt this was a better title :)


Put your music library on shuffle.

For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.

Ok, go!

The answer to #20 is the Title of your note.

1. If someone says, “Is this okay?” you say
As If (Blaque) - ?

2. How would you describe yourself?
Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - In my defense, this is the Glee version

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
You're The One I Want (John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John)

4. How do you feel today?
Let It Rock (I don't know who the artist is)

5. What is your life’s purpose?
Taking Chances (Celine Dion) - :)

6. What's your motto?
Black and Gold (Again, no idea who)

7. What do your friends think of you?
Hello (Lionel Ritchie) - Taken out of context, my friends sound like creeps. Sowie y'all. I do love you!

8. What do you think of your parents?
Valentine (Kina Grannis) - Well I do love my parents

9. What do you think about very often
California Gurls (Katy Perry) - o.o

10. What is 2 + 2?
Down (Jay Sean) - yes, four down...many more to go

11. What do you think of your best friend(s)?
Empire State of Mind (Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys) - They don't sleep? Okay..

12. What do you think of the person you like?
SOS (Rihanna) - Yes I need help

13. What is your life story?
Marching On (Timbaland and some group) - I would like to think this does say something about me

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Padamkan Cerita Cintamu (Syed Azmir) - Wow...WHAT??

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
The Show (Lenka) - haha, I think he's a show?

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
Total Eclipse of the Heart (Uhm...) - LOL OMG ROFLMAO

17. What will they play at your funeral?
Faithfully (Journey) - I'm forever yoooours, coffin

18. What is your biggest fear?
Introducing Me (Nick Jonas) - I doubt my biggest fear is introducing myself...

19. What is your biggest secret?
Black Sheep (Metric) - This speaks volumes

20. What will you post this as?
Toxic (Britney Spears) - Again, in my defense...Glee crazy!