TLDR...or read...Be bored...whatever xp ^^ 8D xD and other misc. icons

*brushes off dust bunnies, blows off cobwebs*

You're still here. Despite my absence. I may be this but you've been faithfully lurking in the interwebs, waiting for me to fill you up.

...

Or probably plotting my demise with Cthulhu. I don't know...

Despite my previous posts, I've found myself back in school. Doing Syariah of all things. It was the last thing I thought I would do and it's proved beneficial to me, unsurprisingly. Although how I got to where I am right now had been tumultuous, I'm hoping things would get better as I go along. I honestly feel that even though I won't be able to go any further; here or elsewhere, I'd still have this basic to fall back on.

And of course, a blog post of mine would not be complete without a little love story. Or lack thereof really. Even a simple smile of his, even if it wasn't directed at me, fills me with...I dunno...light. It's this amazing calm I get whenever his name is mentioned, contrary to most of how I have felt before. I'm not saying this difference is anything to go by since he's not available but if I can be this calm and remember Allah just by being around him, I don't care if there isn't a future there.

Like I even have a future in that aspect.

I was selected to spearhead a graduating committee two weeks before my midterms; the reason behind it was apparently because my lecturer wanted the students in my batch [first cohorts, I'm repeatedly reminded] to have the experience of doing something.

My team was dedicated to be sure because I got sick for one week [more on that later] and work still went on. I had nothing to worry about. That is, of course, until I got back. But come Graduation Day, everything went super smoothly. Minor glitches, since it WAS our first time [working together and doing anything on this scale], but other than that, my lecturer and the people involved were pretty satisfied with the work. I couldn't take all the credit and I still feel bad about the one week absence where everything was done.

So about the sick. One whole week! The longest I've ever been sick. And all because of a mouth infection. Funny thing was that it didn't even START as a mouth infection. Or at least not that I was aware. I got a high fever and then got better and then got a high fever again for the whole week. It was only on the third day of my feverish week that I found out the only reason I was even sick in the first place was from the mouth infection. The doctor felt sorry for me. Though at least she said I wasn't the worst case she'd seen.

That made me feel MUCH better [seen here: sarcasm]

Hmm...what else of importance happened...

Well, I suppose I should say my relationship with THEM have not gotten any better. So much about them still pisses me off. Even my brother is getting sick of the bullshit they've been involved with. I swear to Allah, it's like they don't ever learn. Once I think it would be fine in our little world, it dies right then and there. Honestly, I have no idea what in the hell is going on. I'm pretty sure it will only get worst from here.

And there's this thing about me when I get to a new environment like school, or class, or work, I promise myself not to get involved in friendships and other unnecessary things like that. It helps me concentrate. This isn't even me joking either. It's been proven time and again. And for the first few weeks at this new school, that worked out pretty well. I was sure I could handle not having any friendships and other unnecessary things like that.

The others were pretty persistent to prove me wrong unfortunately and I found myself liking them more and more to a point that I lost a lot of my drive. Worst of all, I started getting Feelings. Sure, they're not necessarily bad...in doses. But it's come to a stage where because one of them has sort of alienated me [probably due to finding out how annoying I actually am], I'm feeling very down now. Like...really.

I'm not the type of person who needs constant attention, don't get me wrong. Most of the time, attention is the LAST thing I want from ANYONE. I'm good when people leave me alone. But that's the problem with having Feelings for people. Because for me, the moment I have these Feelings, the person I have Feelings for need to give me constant attention. I crave it constantly to the point of it being unhealthy. And it makes me mad because I'm [funnily enough] usually a well-adjusted person with HEALTHY obsessions!

...

I digress.

So in conclusion, I still probably haven't matured enough. I'm still thinking like a child despite my best efforts not to do so. Frustrating as it is, I've learnt to accept that fact because I am at least twice what some other girls my age are like. And for that alone, I am immensely grateful. Alhamdulillah.

Lawd, this post is LONG. Sowieeeeee ^^

The Dangers of Being Family

I don't know.

I just don't know what the f*** is happening.

It's like a Hindustani movie, without the pretty costumes and running around a tree and special effects.

How can two people be so damn toxic? *headdesks repeatedly* Tak pasal pasal can just shoot their mouths like that and expect people to act like nothing happened? And still expect to be waited on hand and foot? How is it possible that such people can breathe the same air as me?

MAN UP HAVE THE BALLS TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY YOU SELFISH SELF-CENTERED GUTLESS PIECES OF FECES.

Disappointment, hurt and anger don't quite match how I feel right now. I feel like pushing you down a flight of stairs and hope you LIVE through it.

With Only The Grace of Allah Can We Learn

In regards to this heinous comment left by a disbeliever, (http://media.causes.com/949555?m=2cd102e6) this is my reply.

Freedom of speech is no longer truth spoken out loud. To be fair, there may be some things in this world left to be spoken about; genocide, abortions, animal rights...those are valid points in lieu of freedom of speech. But when it comes to condemning a beautiful and amazingly pure religion such as Islam, freedom of speech is viewed rather in bias. When Christianity or Judaism or Buddhism or what of you are condemned, the common reply to that would be slander. It would be vicious condemnation or cruelty towards the religion and when it comes to plaguing Islam, it's freedom of speech?

I digress.

The beauty of this religion, as a Muslimah myself, I am thoroughly well protected. I am covered because Allah wishes not for just anyone to see my beauty. I am at home because Allah wishes for me to be able to take care of my children the best possible way. My husband or father is my caregiver and all I have to do is submit myself to the one and only Allah. Women are promised Jannah by being a dutiful daughter, a humble servant to Allah and a respectful wife. Our only challenge is childbirth.

As stated in the article linked, he mentioned women being stoned and 'raped and discarded when the husband feels like it'. Naudzubillahi min dzalik. Wallahi in all my life, none of the married women I personally knew have ever been subjected to such cruelties. All my sisters in law and my sister are well taken care of by their husbands and masya Allah they are well adjusted, their children perfectly fine.

Needless to say, if you have the absolute need to condemn a religion, the least you could do is get a good research done on it and not just rely on the information you get from one sided documentaries and movies or TV shows that clearly portray a ludicrous version of what Islam truly is.

Wallahu a'lam bissawab.

Apparently I should put in Toxic but I felt this was a better title :)

RULES :

Put your music library on shuffle.

For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

You must write that song title as the answer to the question, no matter how silly it sounds! Most of the time they seem to work though, strangely enough.

Ok, go!

The answer to #20 is the Title of your note.

1. If someone says, “Is this okay?” you say

As If (Blaque) - ?

2. How would you describe yourself?

Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - In my defense, this is the Glee version

3. What do you like in a guy/girl?

You're The One I Want (John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John)

4. How do you feel today?

Let It Rock (I don't know who the artist is)

5. What is your life’s purpose?

Taking Chances (Celine Dion) - :)

6. What's your motto?

Black and Gold (Again, no idea who)

7. What do your friends think of you?

Hello (Lionel Ritchie) - Taken out of context, my friends sound like creeps. Sowie y'all. I do love you!

8. What do you think of your parents?

Valentine (Kina Grannis) - Well I do love my parents

9. What do you think about very often

California Gurls (Katy Perry) - o.o

10. What is 2 + 2?

Down (Jay Sean) - yes, four down...many more to go

11. What do you think of your best friend(s)?

Empire State of Mind (Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys) - They don't sleep? Okay..

12. What do you think of the person you like?

SOS (Rihanna) - Yes I need help

13. What is your life story?

Marching On (Timbaland and some group) - I would like to think this does say something about me

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Padamkan Cerita Cintamu (Syed Azmir) - Wow...WHAT??

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?

The Show (Lenka) - haha, I think he's a show?

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Uhm...) - LOL OMG ROFLMAO

17. What will they play at your funeral?

Faithfully (Journey) - I'm forever yoooours, coffin

18. What is your biggest fear?

Introducing Me (Nick Jonas) - I doubt my biggest fear is introducing myself...

19. What is your biggest secret?

Black Sheep (Metric) - This speaks volumes

20. What will you post this as?

Toxic (Britney Spears) - Again, in my defense...Glee crazy!

Squeeee I'm writing again!

Who knew Liam Neeson could be oh so delicious?

After watching "The A-Team", my view of Bradley Cooper got that much higher. Truth be told, I used to think he was better at being a complete jerk. But movie after movie, Bradley Cooper just becomes better and better. He's played a conniving best friend, a comedic side kick, a backstabbing husband and to add to all this, a very...very hot "Ranger" in the remake of a TV series that I admittedly have never even heard of >.<

Of course, I didn't watch the movie just because it had FOUR billed actors on it [not including a cameo by Jon Hamm]...okay well maybe I did [who knew cutesy Patrick Wilson was funny??] but by the end of the movie, I just couldn't care less about the actors, all I wanted was for Murdock, Face, BA and Hannibal to get out of that damned truck alive.

The lines were so damn funny. I especially liked it when Hannibal says: "Cash don't buy guts kid. On you're short on both." And I liked the camaraderie between Murdock and BA with the former's coconut curry tapenade being the one thing that soothes the savage beast. Oh, with the toast points, of course. We can't forget the toast points. With Hannibal and Face, their almost father son vibe though touched lightly was pretty cute. Patrick Wilson played his role pretty neatly. He had a sort of petulant psychotic thing going for him and it made for great comedy that dude.

I love the execution of the plans from saving Face in Mexico, to the chopper escape, to the money plate heist in Baghdad and right down to exposing Lynch/Burris. And how can I forget the kiss and the key transfer? I liked that one very very much.

Hats off to director Joe Carnahan and to him I say you planned well and "I love it when a plan comes together."

Lawyered. Of Nature

My last post was...a little over two months ago. The anal retentive in me just had to check. :p

I haven't summed up the energy or focus to write in this blog simply because my life is a mess. Most call me lucky not having anything to do; just laze around at home, get my muscles well atrophied, squashing grapes or 'menganggur' to those who are Malay literate.

The grass is always greener on the other side and for us human beings, we lack faith and grace and humility when it comes to feeling grateful for our own patch of grass. Sure there are times when I can just smile whenever I hear my fellow brothers and sisters complain about their hard day's work and getting peanuts for pay. Sure I can hold it in when someone says I have it easy, just being at home without work to grumble about. But to be perfectly honest, being at home, albeit being surrounded by people I love, isn't all that cracked up to be.

For one, you have WAY too much time to think. Haha, go wise crack about me being able to think somewhere else, thanks. I have a very unsettled mind. I'm unfocused and I'm unwilling to stop thinking. It's like I can have nine thoughts running through my head and it would literally give me a headache. And that's when I'm actually moving around. And now that I have 'time to myself' it is so hard to concentrate on anything and sometimes, I can just lay on my bed, being catatonic.

For the most part, sure I'm absolutely grateful I have no other responsibilities other than say, washing the dishes or doing my own laundry and then there are times when I wish I had something to leave my room for.

I'm twenty-one years old now and I'm unemployed, uneducated and unmarried. If I was living in the 18th century, I would be called obsolete...oh...I still could be called obsolete now? Good to know. Fancy that, I'm obsolete in two centuries.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I do nothing about it. I've tried to look for a job and I found a perfect one but circumstances changed, and I found myself having to give up that perfect job.

Studies? Don't get me started on that. To explain why I can't continue my studies, I'd have to write a book on it. I won't bore you with the details but nothing I want to do, pleases anyone I need to appease.

And marriage? *Chuckles derisively* "Oh yes I'm very interested in you. I'm invested in being with you for the rest of your life." And not even a few months later... "Dude, just met a new girl. She's like way hotter, way better than you you won't believe it." Once is hard enough, let me tell you. But try multiplying it by three. Get my drift? And to those who tell me that any guy would be just damn lucky to have me in their lives, I say to you, you suck. You suck total ducks. If they were 'damn lucky' to have me in their lives, you would think they would try to get in on the action themselves.

Getting my license at this point would be a Godsend but of course...what is my life but one challenge after the other? I am the perfect human example of Sod's Law. Funny that. I'm a sod of law. If the world was Marshall Eriksen, I'd be hearing this: "Lawyered. Of Nature."

Silence!

You know how sometimes your face mimics how your day has been? You don't mean to but everyone around you will be effected by that sour expression you have. The exasperated sighs you emit. The silent treatment you give out. Sometimes you wish someone would just ask: "How's your day been? I've got a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen." But no one really does, do they?

They want to assume the worst. Some self-deprecating loser would think: "Is it me? Why is she/he giving me the long face? What did I do wrong?" And they will start feeling bad about themselves, throw themselves into the things they wish would make things better but in truth, it really doesn't. That person is going to continue being sour, emitting exasperated sighs and giving you the silent treatment.

So what's the point about trying to make the situation better? Honestly? I have no clue since I am that 'some self-deprecating loser'. I always wonder what would be the one thing to make everything right? I hate being treated like I'm the plague. I suppose I could chalk it up to the fact that people would much rather blow up a mistake rather than accepting an honorable deed. Like...you can do so many good things for someone but they will only remember the one wrong thing you did or didn't do.

The past few years, a lot of things have happened to me. I don't really highlight any of the events here but to skim it over, I have been rejected three times, worked like a dog, treated like an ex-con and the most valuable advice I got for all that is to just suffer through it in silence. And the little things I most appreciate; getting a smile for a good deed done or being appreciated for what good I HAVE done, are the things that people I care about rarely give me.

Some know me as a selfish ungrateful brat and for the most part, it's known to be true. But instead of looking at the good I've done, little things over time, I'm always being measured up to the impossibly high standards or just viewed as that selfish ungrateful brat. One little mistake can be blown out of proportion.

I am expected to suffer in silence, plaster a smile on my face, grit my teeth and continue being the poster child for rejection all at once.

The past few years have basically been one bootcamp after another for me. Heartache after rejection after pain. But I'm suffering in silence of course. How can I not? No one's willing to listen. And the one person who's practically been forced to probably wants me to just shut up.

My oh my...angst all over. *Cracks neck*

What a way to start off 21 eh?