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June 14, 2012

I shouldn't feel bad about being a bad writer. I miss things. I'm oblivious about a lot of things. I mess things up royally but in the end, it shouldn't make me feel bad that I'm ruining a fictional character's life. It just wouldn't make sense that I've cried stupid tears over things that I actually have control over. Or not. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Like I truly believe my writing partners would benefit with a different partner and I should just give up. They say things that I feel I should get but I don't and it hurts my brain whenever I don't do things right and I feel like it's not worth it.

It doesn't make me feel good about myself whenever my writing partners have other writing partners who know them better than I do. It sort of makes me feel second best and that doesn't feel good. To know that you're second best to anything. Like you wouldn't amount to anything because there would always be someone else who was better than you.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Why I keep caring for people who don't quite care about me the same way. Suppose it's punishment? Suppose it's retribution for not putting all my faith into Allah. Suppose I just don't deserve to be happy with people.

There's nothing suicidal about this post. It's just something I've always believed. I don't know why I don't change things when I'm fully aware of the cause. That's sheer stupidity isn't it? Full on ignorance and what...egoism? I don't know but it sure as hell hurts.

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