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May 12, 2010

Silence!

You know how sometimes your face mimics how your day has been? You don't mean to but everyone around you will be effected by that sour expression you have. The exasperated sighs you emit. The silent treatment you give out. Sometimes you wish someone would just ask: "How's your day been? I've got a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen." But no one really does, do they?

They want to assume the worst. Some self-deprecating loser would think: "Is it me? Why is she/he giving me the long face? What did I do wrong?" And they will start feeling bad about themselves, throw themselves into the things they wish would make things better but in truth, it really doesn't. That person is going to continue being sour, emitting exasperated sighs and giving you the silent treatment.

So what's the point about trying to make the situation better? Honestly? I have no clue since I am that 'some self-deprecating loser'. I always wonder what would be the one thing to make everything right? I hate being treated like I'm the plague. I suppose I could chalk it up to the fact that people would much rather blow up a mistake rather than accepting an honorable deed. Like...you can do so many good things for someone but they will only remember the one wrong thing you did or didn't do.

The past few years, a lot of things have happened to me. I don't really highlight any of the events here but to skim it over, I have been rejected three times, worked like a dog, treated like an ex-con and the most valuable advice I got for all that is to just suffer through it in silence. And the little things I most appreciate; getting a smile for a good deed done or being appreciated for what good I HAVE done, are the things that people I care about rarely give me.

Some know me as a selfish ungrateful brat and for the most part, it's known to be true. But instead of looking at the good I've done, little things over time, I'm always being measured up to the impossibly high standards or just viewed as that selfish ungrateful brat. One little mistake can be blown out of proportion.

I am expected to suffer in silence, plaster a smile on my face, grit my teeth and continue being the poster child for rejection all at once.

The past few years have basically been one bootcamp after another for me. Heartache after rejection after pain. But I'm suffering in silence of course. How can I not? No one's willing to listen. And the one person who's practically been forced to probably wants me to just shut up.

My oh my...angst all over. *Cracks neck*

What a way to start off 21 eh?

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