*brushes off dust bunnies, blows off cobwebs*
You're still here. Despite my absence. I may be this but you've been faithfully lurking in the interwebs, waiting for me to fill you up.
...
Or probably plotting my demise with Cthulhu. I don't know...
Despite my previous posts, I've found myself back in school. Doing Syariah of all things. It was the last thing I thought I would do and it's proved beneficial to me, unsurprisingly. Although how I got to where I am right now had been tumultuous, I'm hoping things would get better as I go along. I honestly feel that even though I won't be able to go any further; here or elsewhere, I'd still have this basic to fall back on.
And of course, a blog post of mine would not be complete without a little love story. Or lack thereof really. Even a simple smile of his, even if it wasn't directed at me, fills me with...I dunno...light. It's this amazing calm I get whenever his name is mentioned, contrary to most of how I have felt before. I'm not saying this difference is anything to go by since he's not available but if I can be this calm and remember Allah just by being around him, I don't care if there isn't a future there.
Like I even have a future in that aspect.
I was selected to spearhead a graduating committee two weeks before my midterms; the reason behind it was apparently because my lecturer wanted the students in my batch [first cohorts, I'm repeatedly reminded] to have the experience of doing something.
My team was dedicated to be sure because I got sick for one week [more on that later] and work still went on. I had nothing to worry about. That is, of course, until I got back. But come Graduation Day, everything went super smoothly. Minor glitches, since it WAS our first time [working together and doing anything on this scale], but other than that, my lecturer and the people involved were pretty satisfied with the work. I couldn't take all the credit and I still feel bad about the one week absence where everything was done.
So about the sick. One whole week! The longest I've ever been sick. And all because of a mouth infection. Funny thing was that it didn't even START as a mouth infection. Or at least not that I was aware. I got a high fever and then got better and then got a high fever again for the whole week. It was only on the third day of my feverish week that I found out the only reason I was even sick in the first place was from the mouth infection. The doctor felt sorry for me. Though at least she said I wasn't the worst case she'd seen.
That made me feel MUCH better [seen here: sarcasm]
Hmm...what else of importance happened...
Well, I suppose I should say my relationship with THEM have not gotten any better. So much about them still pisses me off. Even my brother is getting sick of the bullshit they've been involved with. I swear to Allah, it's like they don't ever learn. Once I think it would be fine in our little world, it dies right then and there. Honestly, I have no idea what in the hell is going on. I'm pretty sure it will only get worst from here.
And there's this thing about me when I get to a new environment like school, or class, or work, I promise myself not to get involved in friendships and other unnecessary things like that. It helps me concentrate. This isn't even me joking either. It's been proven time and again. And for the first few weeks at this new school, that worked out pretty well. I was sure I could handle not having any friendships and other unnecessary things like that.
The others were pretty persistent to prove me wrong unfortunately and I found myself liking them more and more to a point that I lost a lot of my drive. Worst of all, I started getting Feelings. Sure, they're not necessarily bad...in doses. But it's come to a stage where because one of them has sort of alienated me [probably due to finding out how annoying I actually am], I'm feeling very down now. Like...really.
I'm not the type of person who needs constant attention, don't get me wrong. Most of the time, attention is the LAST thing I want from ANYONE. I'm good when people leave me alone. But that's the problem with having Feelings for people. Because for me, the moment I have these Feelings, the person I have Feelings for need to give me constant attention. I crave it constantly to the point of it being unhealthy. And it makes me mad because I'm [funnily enough] usually a well-adjusted person with HEALTHY obsessions!
...
I digress.
So in conclusion, I still probably haven't matured enough. I'm still thinking like a child despite my best efforts not to do so. Frustrating as it is, I've learnt to accept that fact because I am at least twice what some other girls my age are like. And for that alone, I am immensely grateful. Alhamdulillah.
Lawd, this post is LONG. Sowieeeeee ^^
